Sunday, March 6, 2016

My Journey: Blurred Lines


So often we wrap ourselves up in thinking about "what we do" vs "who we are." The lines get so blurred that we don't even know the difference sometimes and who we are eventually becomes defined only by what we do!

On the surface this seems like its a good, accurate analysis of oneself. After all if someone DOES kind things in their life, they are probably a kind person. If they constantly do selfish thing, they are likely a selfish person. But when you look deeper you see this concept is flawed.


This is especially dangerous in situations like mine when the things I do (or lack there of) become so difficult! I wish I could say that I am the great wife and mother that my heart desires me to be and that I follow through on all the things that my mind thinks of doing, the things my heart intends and WANTS to do. But the brutal and embarrassing reality is that the last three years have been VERY hard for me! Physically there has been so much I have been unable to follow through on. There are some days that my symptoms and fatigue have been SO BAD that doing ANYTHING feels like I've run a marathon. Just caring for the girls basic needs leaves me achy, trembling, and on my knees begging for the day to be done. There is NOTHING left in me for the seemingly easy chores like dishes and laundry. There have been way too many days that I have had to forgo the needs of my house, my husband, my life and just do what is necessary to get by.

Because I blurred the lines of who I am being defined by what I do...well, you can imagine how the last three years have impacted my self esteem. My view of my self worth has taken a great beating over the past few years. This journey I'm on is about SO MUCH more than just my physical health. The emotional and mental impact being chronically ill has on someone is immeasurable! 

There is HOPE though, There is always hope if you look for it! I always say, this is not an easy journey but it is one WELL worth taking. Each day I learn to be kinder and more forgiving to myself. In doing so and releasing the guilt and self hatred it is freeing. In turn it also relieves some of the stress that those feelings put on me and that is another way that helps my body heal physically, emotionally, and mentally. 

If you find yourself in a similar place as I described, know you are not alone! Know too that you are worth SO MUCH MORE than what your body is able to do and realize that in being both kind and forgiving to yourself you are taking a major step towards DOING the kind of things that reflect the person you ARE INSIDE! It takes time, but I will get there - this I truly believe! I hope to see you there with me on the other side my friends. In the meantime I look to redefine the blurred lines until they are no longer blurred and I can feel that I am the great person I strive to be, even on the days my body doesn't allow me to do the things that reflect that. 

~ Finding Fabulous - Its about the Journey NOT the Destination! ~

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